We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
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*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Merry Christmas
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
That’s easy for you to say
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.