Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
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3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.