If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
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[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.