Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
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Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
*seductively eats two tums*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant