#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
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Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.