Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
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There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”