My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
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Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey