So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
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The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
There’s only one good girl here!
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Lmbo
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
are they though??
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.