Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
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no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
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4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.