My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
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Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?