Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
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I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Strangers have the best candy.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
✌🏽
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”