Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
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“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
This could be us but you eatin’
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
going to the ER y’all need anything
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Bread puns are on the rise!
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child