If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
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Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
i baked you a cake
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
#NoRestForTheWicked
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.