Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.