No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
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I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
first you must answer his riddles
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Spotted in New Orleans.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever