My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
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Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.