One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I’d hang this in my house.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh