I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
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Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
How can I say no to this ?
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it