We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
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When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then