Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
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There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?