Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
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zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Our lord and savoury.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp