I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
You Might Also Like
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Nice try, NASA
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.