Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
You Might Also Like
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.