If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
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Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.