I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
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Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.