I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
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When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.