Yeah. This was me today.
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Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Shoo shoo! 😂
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
¯_(ツ)_/¯