When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
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All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.