Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
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I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Mmmm canned fish.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it