Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
You Might Also Like
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.