when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
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Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.