Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
You Might Also Like
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*