About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
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Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
good morning
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven