Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
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Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
KFC hitting the cannibal market
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion