Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
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“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.