Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
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I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I never needed anything more in my life
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”