a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
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That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”