I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
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Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
The little toadstool has spoken.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs