Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
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A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
🤣🤣🤣🤣
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no