Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
You Might Also Like
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.