son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
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Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?