IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
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Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Thursday
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda