I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
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[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
It was worth a shot 😂
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.