You Might Also Like
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I’m confused about plants
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*