Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
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I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Yup.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Fights fire with marshmallows
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.