“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
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Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Stop sending me this shit.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that