I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
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Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.