People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
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I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Saturday
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.