I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
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My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
every college guy’s fridge
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.