“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
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what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.